Real Love Online? + Meet A Mistress

Happy Belated Valentine’s Day, boyfriends! I typically don’t deal in the trivial business that is half-dead flowers from some horrid megamart and cheap chocolate, wrapped in tacky, cardboard hearts. I tend to believe that every day of the year is Mine, except Valentine’s Day. I firmly believe Valentine’s Day is the day you pretend to want to bring your wife presents or take the beast to dinner before you pretend to want to fuck her in the name of obligatory holiday sex. Obviously, all of that is fucking gross.

But I do want to thank Myself for some exceptional gifts. (Technically you guys paid for all of it, but you pay for everything. So that’s not news.) Specifically, I got Myself a bunch of new makeup brushes that were on an epic, crazy sale, (below) and a bunch of new bras (above,) and some other makeup spoils I’ll photograph upon arrival. I love being spoiled. And allowing your wife to suck your stupid prick on Valentine’s Day is no reason to stop any of that.

But that brings Me to the part about “Real Love Online?” Oddly, I always find Myself feeling…

like Niteflirt is far more like actual dating than I ever thought it would be. Seriously … I have really fucking seriously involved relationships doing this shit with you half-wits. And you fucking idiots can do the most adorable, thoughtful things. Sometimes it’s almost enough to soften My greedy, demanding, little heart. Almost.

Now normally I make it a strict policy not to tell you little shits when something has gone wrong. You’re men. And men almost universally fail at being able to cope when the woman they love gets sad. My sadness, however temporary or justified, is really the thing that makes you feel like an impotent failure … and not in a hot, jerking-off-over-your-shame sort of way. After all, you bust your asses all day, every day so that I can live like a spoiled, little brat that has no greater concern in life than buying expensive, fancy groceries and shampooing her makeup brushes and cuddling her pets, which you guarantee live and eat better than 90% of children in the world. But last week was a happy bittersweet exception to all of these general rules.

Last week, many of you learned that I had to suddenly say goodbye to one of My cherished animal companions. And though I prefer not to publicly appreciate anything other than your wallet, I will make this one exception here and now …

You morons really touched My heart last week upon learning of My loss. And I appreciate your genuine concern and empathy. It was one of those precious times that reminds Me it really is Real Love. So thank you.

Now back to knocking your dick in the dirt … I’ll be on Niteflirt.